With less than 60 days left until the 2008 election, it is officially time to stop watching, reading, or listening to any news and focus any and all attention on Spongebob Squarepants.

At this point in the election cycle, there is nothing new to be learned and only an ever-expanding crop of demeaning, lie-filled commercials and brainwashed pundits spouting the day’s scripted nonsense.  Honestly, who wants to be knowingly lied to for two months or more?  For anyone with half a brain or more this time of year is intolerable.  The solution: find respite with the residents of Bikini Bottom.

Why Spongebob?  The little sponge may not be very bright, but he is full of optimism, positive energy, and friendliness.  In other words, he has all the charecteristics that are lacking in any election.

So try Spongebob and find yourself a little yellow relief from all the election BS.

After much speculation on who would be the GOP candidate for vice president, John McCain woke from a fever induced coma and shouted something that sounded like “Pail Fling” which led Karl Rove to declare that McCain had selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his VP running mate.

When McCain was informed that he would be running with the 44-year-old beauty pagent runner up, he asked, “Didn’t the Miss Alaska winner want the job?”  McCain was saddened to learn that the pagent queen, in fact, did not want the job due to what she called McCain’s “ickiness.”

McCain seemed up beat when he announced his running mate and appeared happy to cite her years of being a mom, her abuse of power in firing a state trooper who just happened to be divorcing her sister, and her vast foreign policy experience from living in the state “closest to Russia.”

Palin excited the GOP faithful with her old fashioned brand of fascism.  “It’s not about state’s rights and fiscal responsibility,” Palin said. “It’s about making sure other people think and do the same things I believe in.  That’s what’s going to make this country a better place.”

And in a potential ploy to reach Hillary Clinton Democrats who may not be paying attention to Palin’s actual political idologies, Palin said, “And, apropos of nothing, I also have a vagina.”

Democratic presidential nominee Barak Obama said, “Sarah Palin is an interesting choice for the GOP. While the Democrats have nominated female candidates before, this is certainly a first for the Republicans.  I look forward to her debate with Joe Biden and his decades of national experience.”

Senator Biden was available for comment, but was laughing to hard to answer questions.

In a surprising report, Fox News has already declared the not-yet-held Democratic National Convention a failure.

Early Monday morning, Fox anchor Brit Hume announced, “While the Democrats are still gathering here in Denver, by all accounts their planned convention has been a complete failure. Meanwhile, John McCain will be speaking to a crowd of more than fifteen today at the Sunnyvale Retirement Community; an agile move that will utterly upstage anything the Democrats may have to offer.”

While Fox News is known to use a whole host of psychics, seers, and mediums to forecast the news, this early revelation about the DNC has surprised many.

Noted political expert James Carville said, “Dang! Them boys really scooped me on that one. I didn’t think the convention even started until tonight.”

Republican vice president hopeful Charlie Crist said, “Everyone has to put on their convention and I’m sure the Democrats will have theirs. By the way, have I mentioned that I’m now engaged… to a real live woman?”

We attempted to get a comment from still presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama on this story, however, he was busy holding a forum with Hillary Clinton and about 2,000 supporters on creating an effective and cost-saving national health care system.

]]> http://morenoise.wordpress.com/2008/08/25/fox-news-declares-democratic-national-convention-a-failure/feed/ 0 22coffees http://morenoise.wordpress.com/2008/07/01/the-city-that-keeps-on-giving/ http://morenoise.wordpress.com/2008/07/01/the-city-that-keeps-on-giving/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:51:07 +0000 22coffees http://morenoise.wordpress.com/?p=49 ]]>

I actually used to take the time to think up the stories I would write for this blog, but today I realized that it’s a waste of time when I live in a city that offers up the ridiculous on a daily basis.

Case in point: on my way to work today I found myself behind a woman of exceptional size.  Now, she wasn’t the widest load I’ve ever seen, not by a long shot, but she was definitely someone who had long ago lost her right to wear anything of a spandex nature.  Unfortunately for me, and everyone else with eyes, she failed to get that message.  She was wearing some grass-green spandex pants which made her backside look like the back nine at Augusta.

More to the ridiculous was the statement emblazoned across her backside. The screen printed letters straining in vain to hold together boldly stated,  “Social Climber”.  We’ve all see “Juicy” and “Princess” and all manner of sexual inuendo and misplaced self esteem on pants as these, but “Social Climber”?  Is the concept that her planetoid ass was going to allow her ascent up the social ladder?  I guess it depends what ladder one is attempting to climb.  Perhaps her goal is to reach the lofty heights of top ho in the South East.

We should all have dreams, but I think her first dream should not be social climbing but some stair climbing.

The other day I was coming out of the Metro and found myself laughing out loud because of a metro “security officer.”  I didn’t mean to be mean, but the image this man/boy struck was truly ridiculous.

I don’t know the age limit for security officers, but I suspect this young guy had to lie to get the job.  He didn’t look a day over 14 years old.  To make matters worse, he couldn’t have been more than 90 pounds soaking wet.  The badge pinned to his shirt looked so large compared to his puny chest that you could be forgiven for thinking it was a novelty item.  Not only that, but the badge actually looked like it’s weight could have toppled this diminutive officer to the ground at any moment.  To make things even worse, his duty belt had nothing to hold on to and looked as though it would drag his pants to his ankles the moment he let go of it.

Needless to say, it did not appear that this young man was going to be able to offer anyone – not even himself – an iota of security.  Though the sight of him was good for a laugh, it was no surprise that the malfunctioning Metro system would hire such a figure to attempt to provide security.  Truly, the DC Metro is the poorest run operation I have ever come across and it employs the largest group of incompetent people I never wanted to know.

The recent flooding in the nation’s heartland has decimated this year’s crop of the letter C.  The C shortage has brought the production of Coach handbags and other C branded items to a standstill.  It has also caused the price of the remaining stock of Coach merchandise to skyrocket.

“I was going to buy a Coach coinpurse for $180, but it just went up to $370 so now I’m going to have to sell a lot more blood plasma to get it,” said teenager Gina Valenti.

C farmers are faring much worse.  “There’s just no saving the crop at this point,” said Doug Johnson.  “It’s just too wet to try to replant now and we’d never be able to harvest before the frost comes.”

Young, self conscious, and financially naive women around the world are in a panic due to the C shortage.  “I mean, like, how are people going to know my purse was needlessly expensive if it doesn’t have Cs plastered all over it,” Mary Mancuso opined.

“I guess I’m going to have to step up to a Birkin bag,” said Shelly Anthony.  “Anything I can do for you for, say, fifty bucks?”

Early indications from the Department of Agriculture indicate that the Fs for the Fendi line seem to have come through the flooding mostly intact.

Gucci is still estimating the damage to the G crop before making any changes to their business plan.

I don’t usually get too caught up in appearances.  If you’re eyes, nose and mouth are in the right places that’s pretty good in my book.  If, however, you are going to draw attention to yourself or advertise your appearance, you had better be able to back it up.

Case in point, a young woman got on the train yesterday and I wouldn’t have thought much of anything about her.  But then she turned and the back of her sweatshirt said in big letters, “Perfect 10″.  Now I had to look and see what would possess someone to wear such a monstrosity.  She was clearly obese, not even twice as tall as she was wide.  She stood proudly at 5 foot nothing and sported a mess of hair pulled back into a big nest.

Perfect 10?  This woman was an average 2 at best.  Yet in this world of massively inflated egos and unearned self esteem, she was deluded enough to brand herself a perfect 10.  I suppose it’s this same sense of self worth and a rejection of all reality that keeps Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail.

I’ve noticed an odd occurrence this week.  People tend to avoid you if you smile on the subway.

Generally, when I look as dour as everyone else on the train someone will sit next to me within one or two stops.  It’s a busy train and that’s just the way it goes.  But not this week.

I’ve been having a fairly good week.  Nothing major, just a feeling good, life is cool sort of week.  So while listing to some good music on the subway on my way to work I had a small, content smile on my face.  I promise, it wasn’t one of those maniacal, wide-eyed smiles that really warn you off.  Nevertheless, my warm little smile seemed to have the same affect.

I sat in my seat with a free seat next to me on my entire ride.  This never happens.  Other seats were filled, people were even standing in the aisles, but none would take the free seat next to me.  Yes, I had showered, no offensive cologne, was wearing business clothes, and minding my own business, but no one would take the seat.

I thought, wow, this is great.  I have all this elbow room for my whole ride.  This too kept me smiling for the duration of my ride.  So the only thing that I could figure is that people just don’t trust a guy who’s smiling for no apparent reason.

In the wake of the devastating cyclone in Myanmar, Fema officials felt somewhat vindicated by the abysmal disaster response of the Junta.

“See, we’re not the only ones who take days or weeks to get supplies to storm victims,” Michael Chertoff said.  “This is hard stuff, so I know what Myanmar is going through.”

With death tolls mounting and the Myanmar government stealing aid meant for the people in need, many people at FEMA were feeling pretty good about themselves.  There was a smug sense of “at least we didn’t do that bad with Katrina” around the FEMA offices Monday.

New Orleans resident Claire Green said, “I feel so bad for those people.  There’s still debris in my old neighborhood and my old house is about rotten to the ground, but this trailer isn’t so bad.”  Green then went on to cough for several minutes before having to go outside for some relatively fresh air.

Yangon resident, Ye Aung said, “I’m just glad we have such low expectations in the first place.  That said, you’d think a military government could do better than FEMA did with Katrina.”  Aung then went back to clearing sewage from the remains of his fishing boat.

The International Pimp’s Union came out today to officially endorse Barak Obama.  This move marked another in a series of blows to the Clinton campaign.

The IPU had backed Clinton in the early days of the contest, presumably due to extensive ties with Bill Clinton, however Obama’s consistent wins and his low-key yet big-baller lifestyle eventually won their important endorsement.  IPU executive Ice T said, “We think Obama is the candidate who really has the interests of America’s working men and women at heart, and that means good times for being a pimp.  No more will it be hard out there for a pimp.”

Obama accepted the endorsement at a black-tie Baller’s Convention held at a local Popeye’s.  “It is with great pride and much respect that I accept your endorsement.  This is a time in our country’s history for pimps and hos to come together and build a more freaky union,” Obama said.

Clinton remained unbowed by the news.  “While I’m saddened to lose the endorsement of the IPU, I still have strong support from the International Hos Cooperative.  If their pimps let them vote, I think you’ll see that October surprise I’ve been talking about,” the pointlessly-still-in-the-race candidate said.

Interestingly, the IPU had previously backed McCain when he first ran for office in 1893, but there has been bad blood between them ever since the petticoat incident of 1902.  McCain responded to the IPU’s recent announcement by saying, “This pudding skin is too thick.  How am I supposed to eat this?”