It’s Officially Spongebob Season

With less than 60 days left until the 2008 election, it is officially time to stop watching, reading, or listening to any news and focus any and all attention on Spongebob Squarepants.

At this point in the election cycle, there is nothing new to be learned and only an ever-expanding crop of demeaning, lie-filled commercials and brainwashed pundits spouting the day’s scripted nonsense.  Honestly, who wants to be knowingly lied to for two months or more?  For anyone with half a brain or more this time of year is intolerable.  The solution: find respite with the residents of Bikini Bottom.

Why Spongebob?  The little sponge may not be very bright, but he is full of optimism, positive energy, and friendliness.  In other words, he has all the charecteristics that are lacking in any election.

So try Spongebob and find yourself a little yellow relief from all the election BS.

Starbucks Crisis!

Every Starbucks in America closed yesterday afternoon for three entire hours to train their staff.  When is Congress going to get involved to ensure that a tragedy like this doesn’t happen again?  How else are people going to enjoy paying $4 for a terrible tasting cup of coffee served in the precious paper cup with a green logo on it?  You tell me how!

Starbucks, the worldwide home of burnt, over-brewed, and pointlessly bitter coffee used the three hours to train staff on new ways to try to convince customers that it really is worth $4 for a bad cup of coffee so long as it is served in one of their glorious paper cups.  Topics of discussion included: bilking the gullible, the Jedi mind trick, and the cleavage conundrum.

Customers were outraged at the store closures.  “It’s almost 6 p.m. and they’re still closed,” shouted Hellen Snyder.  “You don’t want to be around me if I don’t have my early evening caffeine.”

Dennis Lowry stopped sobbing long enough to say, “Latte… why can’t they just bring me a latte?”

Bob Warner, owner of Bob’s Cafe located only 18 feet from a neighboring Starbucks tried to invite the despondent coffee drinkers into his lovely non-franchised store.  He almost convinced Gwen Saunders to try his coffee, but when she noticed that his cups didn’t have a logo on them she decided to go home without her usual evening drink.  “Sure it’s coffee, but if people won’t know where I bought if from, what’s the point” she asked.

Finally, to clear up some confusion that has been growing of late, the official name of a person who brings you a cup of coffee and takes your money is “cashier.”

Bureaucrat Doesn’t Have a Form for That

Killean, Texas mother Janice Fuller was looking forward to entering her daughter Tracy into summer soccer, but things didn’t go as planned.

Fuller just thought she could walk into Ranger Elementary School and sign her daughter up for the un-American sport.  Physical education assistant Steve Pelham had to set her straight.  “That lady was all, ‘Hi, I want to sign my daughter up for soccer.’ and I’m sitting there thinking that just ain’t gonna happen.  Not today anyway.”

While Tracy lives two blocks from Ranger Elementary, she is bussed to Johnson Elementary some 17 miles away.  “I just thought that we live right here and it’s a summer program so if I signed up here and paid the summer sports fee here everything would be OK,” Fuller said.  It was, in fact, not OK.

Pelham explained that there are sports regions in the Killean School District, not to mention that inter-school games could create conflicts of interest.  “Besides that, I just don’t have a form to sign up a kid from another school,” he said.

Pelham did promise to speak to his supervisor to see if they could work something out.  While true to his word to raise the issue with his supervisor, the issue has since been the subject of 13 meetings among 27 deputies in the superintendent’s office.  As of press time, 42 months after Fullers initial request, a committee has been formed to address such issues and an outside consulting firm has been hired for $230,000 to lend sports related expertise.

Tracy Fuller has since entered the 6th grade at Cowboy Middle School which is only about one mile from the Fuller home, making summer sports opportunities convenient and within existing school board policy.

Dude, your caucus is showing

Guest Iowan Columnist “Mad Heavy”

How often do you get to say it was an exciting night in Iowa? Trust me, unless the state fair is on the answer is not often. It’s apparently an exciting enough place for Barak Obama and Mike Huckabee anyway. They won their respective caucusesiseus (which is the actual plural of caucus) last night.

Do you remember that movie I Heart Huckabees? That played here for like three months. People just loved that movie so you knew the guy who made it was going to do well here. I can’t remember if Mike played the doctor or the father in that one though. I don’t really care ’cause I thought it was kind of lame anyway.

You know what I’d really like to see? A ticket with Barak Obama and Emeril Lagasse. Can you imagine that? He’d be like, o-BAM-a all the time. That would be so cool. They’d also save money on a White House chef too. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to tax my smokes so much.

I went to the caucus for Denis Kucinich. I kind of like him but I also figured if I went for him I’d be home by 7:00 so I could catch The Simpsons. It was the one where Homer’s face gets on that box of Japanese laundry detergent. Fish bulb… hilarious.

Now that it’s all over everybody left. It kind of feels like a one night stand. I bet we get a booty call in November though.