Perfect 10

I don’t usually get too caught up in appearances.  If you’re eyes, nose and mouth are in the right places that’s pretty good in my book.  If, however, you are going to draw attention to yourself or advertise your appearance, you had better be able to back it up.

Case in point, a young woman got on the train yesterday and I wouldn’t have thought much of anything about her.  But then she turned and the back of her sweatshirt said in big letters, “Perfect 10″.  Now I had to look and see what would possess someone to wear such a monstrosity.  She was clearly obese, not even twice as tall as she was wide.  She stood proudly at 5 foot nothing and sported a mess of hair pulled back into a big nest.

Perfect 10?  This woman was an average 2 at best.  Yet in this world of massively inflated egos and unearned self esteem, she was deluded enough to brand herself a perfect 10.  I suppose it’s this same sense of self worth and a rejection of all reality that keeps Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail.

Let a Smile be your Warning

I’ve noticed an odd occurrence this week.  People tend to avoid you if you smile on the subway.

Generally, when I look as dour as everyone else on the train someone will sit next to me within one or two stops.  It’s a busy train and that’s just the way it goes.  But not this week.

I’ve been having a fairly good week.  Nothing major, just a feeling good, life is cool sort of week.  So while listing to some good music on the subway on my way to work I had a small, content smile on my face.  I promise, it wasn’t one of those maniacal, wide-eyed smiles that really warn you off.  Nevertheless, my warm little smile seemed to have the same affect.

I sat in my seat with a free seat next to me on my entire ride.  This never happens.  Other seats were filled, people were even standing in the aisles, but none would take the free seat next to me.  Yes, I had showered, no offensive cologne, was wearing business clothes, and minding my own business, but no one would take the seat.

I thought, wow, this is great.  I have all this elbow room for my whole ride.  This too kept me smiling for the duration of my ride.  So the only thing that I could figure is that people just don’t trust a guy who’s smiling for no apparent reason.

Fema to Myanmar: Been There, Failed to do That

In the wake of the devastating cyclone in Myanmar, Fema officials felt somewhat vindicated by the abysmal disaster response of the Junta.

“See, we’re not the only ones who take days or weeks to get supplies to storm victims,” Michael Chertoff said.  “This is hard stuff, so I know what Myanmar is going through.”

With death tolls mounting and the Myanmar government stealing aid meant for the people in need, many people at FEMA were feeling pretty good about themselves.  There was a smug sense of “at least we didn’t do that bad with Katrina” around the FEMA offices Monday.

New Orleans resident Claire Green said, “I feel so bad for those people.  There’s still debris in my old neighborhood and my old house is about rotten to the ground, but this trailer isn’t so bad.”  Green then went on to cough for several minutes before having to go outside for some relatively fresh air.

Yangon resident, Ye Aung said, “I’m just glad we have such low expectations in the first place.  That said, you’d think a military government could do better than FEMA did with Katrina.”  Aung then went back to clearing sewage from the remains of his fishing boat.

Obama Picks Up International Pimp’s Union Endorsement

The International Pimp’s Union came out today to officially endorse Barak Obama.  This move marked another in a series of blows to the Clinton campaign.

The IPU had backed Clinton in the early days of the contest, presumably due to extensive ties with Bill Clinton, however Obama’s consistent wins and his low-key yet big-baller lifestyle eventually won their important endorsement.  IPU executive Ice T said, “We think Obama is the candidate who really has the interests of America’s working men and women at heart, and that means good times for being a pimp.  No more will it be hard out there for a pimp.”

Obama accepted the endorsement at a black-tie Baller’s Convention held at a local Popeye’s.  “It is with great pride and much respect that I accept your endorsement.  This is a time in our country’s history for pimps and hos to come together and build a more freaky union,” Obama said.

Clinton remained unbowed by the news.  “While I’m saddened to lose the endorsement of the IPU, I still have strong support from the International Hos Cooperative.  If their pimps let them vote, I think you’ll see that October surprise I’ve been talking about,” the pointlessly-still-in-the-race candidate said.

Interestingly, the IPU had previously backed McCain when he first ran for office in 1893, but there has been bad blood between them ever since the petticoat incident of 1902.  McCain responded to the IPU’s recent announcement by saying, “This pudding skin is too thick.  How am I supposed to eat this?”

Never Say Die

Hillary Clinton announced that even though it is mathematically and realistically impossible for her to win the Democratic nomination, she is determined to continue on to the White House.  She has every right to do so.  She can get in line and buy a ticket to take a tour just like everyone else.  That’s the sort of thing this country was made of.

Unbowed by reality just like our current president, Hillary remains steadfast to the voices in her head.  “They just keep telling me to stay in the race, and I have to follow their lead,” she said.

“With a win in West Virginia, also known as the pulse of America, we’ll be right back on track,”  Clinton’s top campaign adviser said.  “These are very exciting times for the campaign.  By the way, are you accepting resumes at the moment.”

Obama said he appreciates the competition from Clinton.  “With her still in the race, at least I’ll have someone to run against,” he said.  When asked about John McCain, Obama, like most of the press corps, had to be reminded that McCain was the Republican nominee he would be running against in November.  “Oh yeah, him.  Is he still around?  I thought after his pastor said that Katrina was divine retribution for wickedness in America that he’d have his hands full.”

When John McCain was reached for comment he said, “Nurse, my soup is too hot.”