Starbucks Crisis!

Every Starbucks in America closed yesterday afternoon for three entire hours to train their staff.  When is Congress going to get involved to ensure that a tragedy like this doesn’t happen again?  How else are people going to enjoy paying $4 for a terrible tasting cup of coffee served in the precious paper cup with a green logo on it?  You tell me how!

Starbucks, the worldwide home of burnt, over-brewed, and pointlessly bitter coffee used the three hours to train staff on new ways to try to convince customers that it really is worth $4 for a bad cup of coffee so long as it is served in one of their glorious paper cups.  Topics of discussion included: bilking the gullible, the Jedi mind trick, and the cleavage conundrum.

Customers were outraged at the store closures.  “It’s almost 6 p.m. and they’re still closed,” shouted Hellen Snyder.  “You don’t want to be around me if I don’t have my early evening caffeine.”

Dennis Lowry stopped sobbing long enough to say, “Latte… why can’t they just bring me a latte?”

Bob Warner, owner of Bob’s Cafe located only 18 feet from a neighboring Starbucks tried to invite the despondent coffee drinkers into his lovely non-franchised store.  He almost convinced Gwen Saunders to try his coffee, but when she noticed that his cups didn’t have a logo on them she decided to go home without her usual evening drink.  “Sure it’s coffee, but if people won’t know where I bought if from, what’s the point” she asked.

Finally, to clear up some confusion that has been growing of late, the official name of a person who brings you a cup of coffee and takes your money is “cashier.”

Hillary Holds Breath for Half of Debate

Tuesday’s debate in Ohio between Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama ended abruptly when Senator Clinton passed out.

Clinton apparently didn’t like the way the debate was going after Obama clearly answered several questions to positive responses from the audience while her tantrum-like responses generated nothing but whispered speculation as to whether or not she would cry later. At that point Clinton said, “Well if you’re going to judge me on my record I’m just going to hold my breath.” To everyone’s surprise, Clinton actually did begin to hold her breath.

Obama went on to answer questions about improving the domestic economy and focusing on America first with our tax dollars. Then, suddenly, a clearly red-faced Clinton fell off her chair and lay unconscious. This was her first act of the evening that led to an ovation by those in attendance.

While paramedics came and administered oxygen to Clinton, Obama took the opportunity to meet with several people in attendance and negotiate a labor development deal in Cleveland that generated 527 new jobs that include health and dental benefits.

When the debate ended, a furious and confused Clinton was taken away by an ambulance for further observation including a psychiatric assessment. Obama spent the rest of the evening refereeing a high school basketball game, and teaching a night class at the community college.

80 Years of Oscar Enough

Like most Americans, I didn’t watch the Oscars last night.  Network executives also took notice of the show’s lowest numbers of viewers in its 80 year history.  Yes, even lower than when fewer than half of Americans owned a television.

“There’s no question about it, the Oscars are in real trouble,” said Oscar chairman, Herb Green.  “Hell, the national spelling bee did better than we did this year!”

In fact, the Oscars are in so much trouble that no network has even bid for the rights to broadcast the 2008 awards.  The great fear is that no one other than the E “network” will actually carry the show next year.

“Can you imagine the Oscars shown only on E… I don’t want to live in that world,” said Ryan Seacrest.  A being known only as “Cojo” went catatonic when he, or she, or it heard the news.

Other Hollywood stars were less concerned.  George Clooney said, “I don’t watch the award ceremony for court reporter of the year.  It’s pretty vain of us to think everyone is so interested in what we do in this little town.”

Joan Rivers was elated to hear the news of the Oscars impending demise.  “Oh thank God.  Maybe now they’ll finally let me die.  Oh, it’s time for my 20,000 mile antifreeze flush.”

Most people we found to ask about the Oscars were actually surprised to learn that it was still televised.  “Wow, I thought they stopped that years ago,” said Dwight Wilwood.  Kari Preston said, “I sometimes watched it, but I just forgot this year.

We would like to thank the Academy, and now kindly ask them to go home and leave us alone to judge our favorite movies ourselves.

Knight Rider KITTs Ass!

 Feature article by Trevor Brown

Dude, did you see the new Knight Rider?  That was totally awesome!  I never thought they’d top the Knight Industries Two Thousand, but technology has come a long, long way; a whole thousand in fact to the Knight Industries Three Thousand.  And it’s so convenient that the acronym still comes out to KITT.

Man, if I had a talking, color changing, solar powered, super computer, self healing Mustang GT… well, hell, I don’t know what I’d do, but you can bet that whatever it is it would be at 200 mph!  But with all that going for KITT, you’d think they could give it a speech system that didn’t make it sound like a tool.  Shouldn’t you be able to pick like Hulk Hogan’s voice if you want?  Hell, James Earl Jones’ voice would have even been better.  Darth KITT.  KITT Jaffe Joffer.  They could have even had the first Michael die, but used his nervous system to operate the car or something and just used his voice.  That would have been better than having him be the father of the new “Mike” and make a random appearance at the end.

Woah, I started bringing myself down there for a minute.  That’s pretty hard to do because that car is so awesome!  It was pretty funny how almost every other car in the movie was also a Ford, I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

I tell you this, I’m going to do whatever I can to get a Mustang, KITT or not.  I should be able to get a few thousand for my Hyundai when I trade it in but I’ve got a ways to go.  I still have to convince my parents on it too.  They think I can’t handle a Mustang.  I’ll show them how I can handle it, when I’m drifting into the driveway at 80 mph!

Bureaucrat Doesn’t Have a Form for That

Killean, Texas mother Janice Fuller was looking forward to entering her daughter Tracy into summer soccer, but things didn’t go as planned.

Fuller just thought she could walk into Ranger Elementary School and sign her daughter up for the un-American sport.  Physical education assistant Steve Pelham had to set her straight.  “That lady was all, ‘Hi, I want to sign my daughter up for soccer.’ and I’m sitting there thinking that just ain’t gonna happen.  Not today anyway.”

While Tracy lives two blocks from Ranger Elementary, she is bussed to Johnson Elementary some 17 miles away.  “I just thought that we live right here and it’s a summer program so if I signed up here and paid the summer sports fee here everything would be OK,” Fuller said.  It was, in fact, not OK.

Pelham explained that there are sports regions in the Killean School District, not to mention that inter-school games could create conflicts of interest.  “Besides that, I just don’t have a form to sign up a kid from another school,” he said.

Pelham did promise to speak to his supervisor to see if they could work something out.  While true to his word to raise the issue with his supervisor, the issue has since been the subject of 13 meetings among 27 deputies in the superintendent’s office.  As of press time, 42 months after Fullers initial request, a committee has been formed to address such issues and an outside consulting firm has been hired for $230,000 to lend sports related expertise.

Tracy Fuller has since entered the 6th grade at Cowboy Middle School which is only about one mile from the Fuller home, making summer sports opportunities convenient and within existing school board policy.

President’s Day Totally Wasted

While many people take advantage of the President’s Day holiday to shop furniture sales, get their taxes done, or enjoy some time with friends, Bill Adams of Eutawville totally wasted his day off.

“I can barely get outta this chair,” Adams said after spending 13 hours watching a marathon of Firefly on the Sci Fi network.  His claim of sloth was amply confirmed by his becheetoed shirt.

Adams said that his usual President’s Day spirit was mired by the current occupant of the White House.  “Usually I’m pumped with founding father fortitude on President’s Day but I just couldn’t get it up this year.  Seriously, how am I supposed to celebrate that wuss?  You tell me how!”

Adams’ concerns over the waning holiday were echoed by many.  Phyllis Whitehead of San Jose said, “I even celebrated when his idiot father was president, but that gene pool has really gone stagnant.”

The Office of the Registrar of Holidays is considering changing the criteria for President’s Day in light of the current Bush Administration.  Chairman Walt Richards asked, “Do you think people really want to celebrate this president? He could singlehandedly undo this holiday for everyone.”

Presidents Day was originally created to celebrate the births of both Lincoln and Washington which made for a much beloved holiday.  More recently, the holiday was intended to celebrate all who have served at the nation’s highest post.  “But come on,” Richards said, “who could have imagined that a douche bag like this would ever be president.”

Meetings are ongoing as to which presidents will be honored on future President’s Days, but somehow G. Gordon Liddy got on the panel and he has been no help whatsoever.

As of press time, the future of President’s Day, and a random Monday off every February, hangs very much in the balance.

Governor Caught in Steroids Scandal

Congressional representatives are beginning inquiries into whether Governor Schwarzenegger has ever used steroids or other political enhancing substances.

Now that congress has fixed every problem in America, they have extra time to commit to such important governmental issues as who has used steroids in baseball, football, and badminton.  With the sports inquiries in full swing, representatives have begun looking into whether some political figures have also used enhancers.

Senator Arlen Specter said, “It’s pretty clear that Speaker Pelosi hasn’t had any enhancement, but there are others for whom we have questions.  First up is former Conan and current governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

Schwarzenegger said, “If anything I am flattered by these allegations.  I work very hard to be am a muscular Adonis so I’m glad people are paying attention.”

An aid to the governor, however, said that he is very concerned about the hearings.  “The governor plans to use several movie lines to disarm the panel and then confuse them with a heavy thick-tongued accent.”

Senator Dolf Thickneck has expressed some concern about the inquiries into fellow politicians.  “It seems like we’re getting away from the business of the people here.  Has anyone seen my trainer?”

Hillary Clinton Hires Dennis Hopper as Campaign Manager

Amid mounting losses to Barak Obama and the loss of campaign staff, Hillary Clinton has made the bold move to hire Dennis Hopper to head up her campaign.

Analysts believe Clinton is trying to reconnect with baby boomers who have been going over to the Obama side in droves lately.

“OK man, you see, like, this is what’s happening man,” Hopper said before attempting to find a point. “The Clintons were there, man. Do you know what I’m saying? Like, they were there the whole time.”

Hillary Clinton said she was excited to have Hopper at the helm of her campaign. “Dennis is going to bring a fresh ’70s perspective to my campaign. I think we’re going to have an ‘easy ride’ … a ha, ha, ha … from here on out,” she said.

Bill Clinton was also pleased with the new campaign manager. “I haven’t been this high since that night with the cigar,” he said.

Pundits think Clinton’s move to hire Hopper as her campaign manager smacks of desperation. “Why Dennis Hopper,” wondered Bill Kristol, “was Burt Reynolds busy chewing on something? Where’s my paycheck for saying all these crazy things? Can I actually make a statement or do I only speak in questions?”

When asked why he joined Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Hopper became confused. “Wait, Hillary? I thought I was helping Ron Paul, man. You mean that person I talked to was a chick? Oh man, I must not be wasted enough.”

The Obama camp was not immediately available for comment. They were apparently too busy taking the lead in delegates to respond to our calls.

Fame is in the Name

With reports indicating a full 98% of Americans wish to be famous, and the other 2% want to move to Canada, people are coming up with ever more clever ways to try to gain notoriety.  The Man family thinks that fame will rest in their new son’s name, Area.

Tyler Man, a self described grammar snob, is using a hallmark of weak headline editing to his son’s future advantage.  While working for the Escanaba Gazette, Tyler realized that a full one third of the headlines included the creativity devoid term “area man.”

“Every other headline was ‘Area Man Wins Fishing Derby’ or ‘Area Man Coaches Cougars to Regionals’. It was just stupid.” Man said.  “I thought, if I ever have a kid I’m going to name him Area.”

Tyler did (somewhat inexplicably according to friends, although Jagermeister is heavily suspected) have a child and was true to his promise.  Area Man was born on February 8, 2008 and has already been in 37 headlines in the region.  A sampling of the exploits that the newborn may be confused with include: Area Man Wins Chicken Wing Eating Contest, Town Council Stalled by Area Man’s Outbursts, and Area Man Convicted of 7th DUI.

Tyler explained, “I figure if someone as pointless as Paris Hilton can be famous then maybe a dumb hook like ‘Area Man’ will help my boy be famous one day.”

Tyler wasn’t sure why he felt his son should be famous, but he was sure he wouldn’t be famous for anything other than being able to drink more Jagermeister than anyone in Escanaba – and that’s a lot of Jagermeister.

Tyler is currently in talks with CBS for an Area Man sit com.

FEMA, We Heard Something about a Tornado

Nearly a week after a series of terrifying storms and deadly tornadoes left a path of destruction across several southern states, a few FEMA officials had heard about it. “Yeah, I think I heard something on the news one night,” a FEMA employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity said. She then asked, “Was it, like, bad or something?”

It was, in fact, like bad or something. With more than forty killed, thousands of homes destroyed, billions of dollars of commercial losses, and three states officially requesting disaster relief, FEMA officials were thinking about sending some aid or something.

“We should probably send them some water and food and stuff right?” one employee asked. He indicated, however, that he hadn’t heard anything from Secretary Chertoff yet, so he’d have to wait. “Chertoff is working on fencing out Mexico so maybe the people who lost their jobs could go work on that. They’d have to fill out this paperwork first, though.”

Other officials at FEMA and Homeland Security were either unsure of the devastating storms or denied their existence all together.

President Bush gave a speech that did not address the storms or the needs of the people impacted by them, but he did make a point to say that Michael Chertoff is doing a heck of a job.