Hiatus

In league with the striking writers, or becuse I will be out of town with limited computer access, I won’t be posting any new articles this week. In my absence, and since there are no other news sources as respected than me, I suggest you take a one-week news hiatus yourselves. Free yourselves from the doom and gloom pandering of the mainstream media, and refuse their paltry offerings until your one true source for news returns. Or just go watch American Idol. Your call really.

We’re in the Money!

Congress and the president are working on a plan to send a few hundred dollars to nearly all Americans in an attempt to pull the country out of the current recession. Happy days are here again!

I can’t wait to get my hands on that money. I’m gonna buy like a case of beer and some good beer at that, something like Milwaukee’s Best. You know that will help the economy.

Who cares if the boondoggle in Iraq still costs us $720 Million every day (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/21/AR2007092102074.html), that’s nothing compared to the $16 I’m gonna spend on going to the movies. Then, when you add in the sodas, and popcorn, and Twizzlers… damn America is a great country!

You know what else? I’m totally sure that when this money gets to the people in New Orleans that whole thing will be fixed up. You can buy a lot of plywood for $600. Our government rocks!

It’s so awesome that our government wants to give us this money so that we can give it to a bunch of corporations to help their bottom lines. It’s brilliant! Why should they waste it paying off our skyrocketing debt, or fixing our roads and bridges, or funding social security? Hey, it’s all coming to an end in 2012 anyway when the Mayan calendar stops, so why not live it up now. I’m so stoked that our government finally has its priorities in order! I think I could even sit down and have a beer with Pelosi after this.

Time to wait by the mailbox… after Springer.

Shocking Winter Weather

Everyone at The Oak Tree Cafe in Avon, New York had one thing on their mind, the shockingly cold weather.

“My God it’s cold out there,” said Avon resident Gary Young. “The weatherman said it’s only going to reach a high of two degrees today.”

Waitress Amy Lane suggested he warm up with a nice hot cup of coffee.

It seems the whole town of Avon in upstate New York was surprised by the cold front that pushed through over night. People were outfitted in thermal layers from head to toe, but were still amazed by the cold snap. Muriel Riley said, “This is the kind of cold that cuts straight to the bone!”

By the afternoon, bartender Mason Anderson had had enough of all the griping. “You people do realize that it’s January, don’t you?” From the embarrassed looks on several faces, apparently many people there hadn’t realized it was January.

“He makes a pretty good point,” said Seth Warren. “It does generally get pretty cold every January. Maybe we shouldn’t be quite so surprised every year.”

Even with this new found dose of reality, experts predict that residents will still be amazed at how hot it will be in August.

A Martin Luther King Day Story

The most wonderful time of the year has once again come and gone, Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

It is this time of year that families around America get together with loved ones, feast on a holiday banquet, exchanges gifts, and display their best passive resistance. My family just loves to drive around the neighborhood and look at everyone’s MLK Day decorations too.  For those who may not be familiar with some of the traditions associated with MLK Day, I’ll give you a brief description of what my typical family has done for years.

It all starts with about 90 days of shopping until MLK day arrives. It seems the stores get out their MLK merchandise earlier every year.  This is also the time to decorate your house with olive branches, lights of every color, doves, and Montgomery bus ornaments.

On Martin Luther King Eve we all sit down and Grand Dad reads the “I Have a Dream” speech. Then we light the Unity Candle before putting the kids to bed.

The real fun starts on MLK Day itself. Everything is closed so families can celebrate the holiday season together. Dads put on their best skinny ties for the day, and Moms can sit on any part of the couch they want to. The kids rush to their stockings to see if Jesse Jackson left them some gold wrapped Nobel Peace Prize chocolates.

After our traditional family feast we exchange our gifts and wish each other a year of peace and equal opportunity. Then we proceed to our pinata of The Man and the kids try to break him open for the candies of every kind and color that are inside. Granted, this last part may be more appropriate for a Malcom X Day, but we all know that’s never going to happen.

So there you have it, MLK Day in America. I hope you enjoyed yours and I wish you and yours a year of peace and unity. Now go get out and hit all the day after MLK Day sales.

The Wrath of Mabel

William Shatner may finally have a battle on his hands that even Captain Kirk can’t get him out of.

Shatner’s neighbor, 87-year-old Mabel Miller has had all she can take. “Forty years ago it was kind of exciting that people would come around, now it’s just sad and annoying,” she said. Each day groups of people, many in costume, show up near Shatner’s home to try to catch a glimpse of the former captain. “He was on a show forty years ago. A show that got canceled! These people need to move on and I don’t just mean off of my daisies,” she said.

The gathering crowds of today block Mabel’s drive way, frighten her cat Sheba, and trample her flower beds. Mabel won the neighborhood garden society award five years in a row, all before Star Trek was released. “I thought these people would stop coming around after a while, but then there were the movies, and then the new shows, then the nightmare that was T.J. Hooker, and now the Negotiator which I will admit is kind of funny,” she said. At 87, Mabel is worried that she may not get many more chances to take back her coveted Golden Thumb award. “I’m also sick of hearing that trollop Hazel Johnson go on about her award-winning irises,” she said.

In a bold move that draws upon all his skills Shatner is negotiating his price for some decorative fencing and nutrient rich mulch to give to his neighbor, he’s putting an all points bulletin out for costumed nerds, and hopes these… peaceful gestures… will offset the… potential powder keg… and allow for a… peaceful… first contact.

Simon Cowell Totally Wrong

Millions of teens and shut ins were thrilled at last night’s return of American Idol. Jannette Green of Philadelphia, however, was upset by the show.

“I tried out and Simon said I sounded like a wounded animal,” Green said. Months after her failed audition, the sting of Cowell’s comments were still fresh in Green’s mind. “That guy is totally wrong. He’ll see me again some day. I’ll show them all!”

When asked what she has done since the audition to further her singing career, Green said, “What the hell you talking about.”

Other Idol hopefulls echoed Green’s sentiment. Wallace McCarthy said the judges were not moved by his version of Ted Nugent’s song Cat Scratch Fever. McCarthy said, “If that song doesn’t get your juices flowing, you’ve got a problem man. A big problem.”

McCarthy also plans to continue his music career despite the Idol setback. He said his next career move would be “to go have a few beers and maybe get another tattoo.”

Perhaps the most devastated by Cowell’s comments was Harriet Gold. More than three days after the auditions concluded, Gold was found still weeping outside of the audition facility. Once paramedics had re-hydrated her with several IVs she said, “How could they pass on me. I’m totally unique! I was dressed like Queen Amidala and that’s unique. They just want what’s commercial, and they are totally going to fail because of it.”

Fox Network has made billions of dollars from American Idol and the ratings are inexplicably still growing.

Simon Cowell was not available for comment as he was busy bathing in money a la Scrooge McDuck.

Baby Boomers Cause Global Warming

A shocking new study from the Global Climate Institute confirms that global warming is indeed caused by human activity.

Though carbon emissions have an effect on global climate, the main culprit is actually the “baby boomer” generation, specifically the women of the generation. Doctor Emil Caine said, “As millions of women from the baby boomer generation enter menopause, their huge numbers and natural heat output increases so dramatically that it is having global consequences.”

Caine’s study looked at pockets of unusual climatic activity. “We noticed that areas such as Iowa had increased in average temperature by six degrees while Florida’s temperature had stayed relatively constant,” he said. “We just could not account for these differences, and then it occurred to us, demographics!”

Doctor Caine explained that Iowa has nearly one million menopausal women while Florida’s population tends to be either elderly or pre-menopausal. “Once we realized this all the other temperature anomalies fell into place,” he said.

This new data has calmed many climatologists and even fostered some new industry. Byron Fisher says he is nearly finished with an invention that captures the heat from a menopausal woman and turns it into electricity. Fisher said, “The average 50-year-old woman can generate as much as 45 kilowatts while she sleeps.

Sweltering husband Kevin Miller said, “I could have told them that!” His 52-year-old wife Betty then jabbed him in the side while fanning herself with her other hand.

Doctor Warren Phillips, a biologist with the Panmar Institute said these new findings may also explain some of his research into obesity. “I’ve noticed that the average male of the baby boomer generation is 35 percent larger and 85 percent more sedentary than males from previous generations,” he said. “They are actually pulling heat out of the atmosphere. Perhaps this is an evolutionary adaptation meant to offset the heat output buy the females of their generation.”

Rosie O’Donnell could not be reached for comment as she was resting in a walk-in refrigerator.

I am Ready for Some Football

Hank Williams Jr. has asked America through song if it was ready for some football for almost 20 years. The singer, however, has fallen on hard times recently and is now working at the NFL call center and actually calling fans to poll them on this critical piece of sports preparedness information.

“Now that the playoffs are here, about 20 percent more people say they are either ready or mostly ready for some football,” Williams said. Williams stressed that preparedness becomes much more important during the playoffs.

Though the NFL has so far refused to define what exactly they mean by “ready” it seems to make little difference with the fans. Mike Hanson said, “I got my beers, my hot wings, like a million nachos, and some of those mint milano cookies so I’m totally ready.”

Steven Phillips prepared by replacing his 42-inch plasma TV with a 60-inch plasma TV and a new surround system. “I’m 18 more inches and 65 more decibels ready than I was last week,” Phillips said.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said, “It is more important than ever that every American be prepared. We are immediately dispatching thousands of agents to visit and review the football preparedness of every home in America. These shock troops were authorized by the president’s ‘reversal of freedoms’ signing statement on a bill that was otherwise about soybean subsidies.”

Brett Favre said, “I’m ready for some good old fashioned Lambeau Field fooball. Who doesn’t want to see that!”

Both Peyton Manning and Tony Romo had responded to calls from Williams that they were each definitely ready for some football. Ironically, however, both the Colts and Cowboys lost their playoff games on Sunday.

Golden Plates Change Romney Campaign

After losses in Iowa and New Hampshire Mitt Romney is taking his campaign in a new direction, one which was revealed to him on several golden plates he found.

“I had this vivid dream,” Romney recalled, “where I found these gold plates under a rock just outside my campaign bus. I went outside and sure enough, there they were. It was lucky that they happened to be so close.”

Romney said there are several plates to translate and he needs time to understand them all. Apparently Romney is the only one who is able to read the strange writing on the plates. He said that an angel appeared to him and gave him a special haircut that allows him to discern the meaning of the markings. “It’s a nice haircut and it didn’t cost me $400 like some people,” Romney said.

Though he would not say exactly what the plates revealed, he did say, “You’ll be seeing some big changes in my campaign shortly.” He went on to say, “There may even be some major endorsements coming from just about the biggest name in the universe. I’ve said too much.”

Several historians, archaeologists, linguists, and Huckabee staffers have expressed interest in examining the gold plates, but no one has been able to see them yet. Romney said that the plates were meant only for him and he was instructed not to show them to anyone. Even Romney’s own staffers haven’t been able to see them. Janet Wilson said, “He told me no one could see the plates and then he asked me if I’d like to marry him.” Wilson said she was “kind of creeped out by the whole thing.”

Since the discovery of the plates many new adherents to Romney’s campaign have been showing up to his events and going around telling people how to lead better lives.

Preemptive Peace Plan

With Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iran in a state of total peace and tranquility, George “The Uniter” Bush is turning his peace making attention to Israel and Palestine.

“My administration has been about bringing peace to the Middle East and the entire world,” Bush said. “I’ve always been focused on balanced and diplomatic approaches to bringing people together. Just look at how friendly and neighborly the people are in the US, and in Iraq, and in Afghanistan. It’s time that level of peace was brought to the people of Israel and Palestine.”

When asked why an additional 3,000 soldiers were just called to be deployed to Afghanistan, Bush said, “Armed soldiers are our bearers of good will throughout the world. It has nothing to do with a resurgence of the Taliban; those reports are just silly.”

Though facts rarely have any bearing on Bush’s ideas of success, his current plans for peace between Israel and Palestine may actually work. An Israeli official, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Bush wants to come here? Oh! Um, maybe we can sit down with the Palestinians and work on something before he gets here. I mean, we’ve had our problems, but I don’t think we really need his, um, help in this area.”

A similarly anonymous Palestinian diplomat said, “We have so few issues with the Israelis. I’m sure we can work them out easily ourselves. I don’t think we need to bother President Bush with our minor disagreements.”

Bush is scheduled to leave for the region in a few days. Local investigator Rachel Bernstein reports, “Officials from both the Israeli and Palestinian delegations are working feverishly to have a peace plan agreed to before the president’s plane touches down. Some are calling this a preemptive peace strike.”

“If we don’t create our own peace over here, Bush may try to create it over there,” said one of the delegates.

President Bush is so beloved that his visit to the region will only cost $25,000 per hour for the mere handful of special security, bomb sniffing dogs, snipers, assault proof vehicles, and poisoned food tasters.