It’s Christmas Time in America

We all love Christmas (unless you’re a humorless non-Christian) but there are many rules that must be adhered to if you want to have a real American Christmas. To start down your path to perfection, you must begin with the gifts. The following is a list of gift essentials. You can purchase other gifts in addition to those listed but these are the must haves for a true American Christmas.

 

If you can’t say to your wife, “Merry Christmas dear, here’s your new luxury car,” then you’re really just a failure as a husband, a provider, and a man for that matter. But you got her a new car last Christmas, you say? New models come out every year fella. They are shinier and they have better navigation systems, greater passenger safety (you don’t want your wife and children to drive around in that year-old death trap, do you?), and voice command entertainment systems. Wow, you’ve really gotten out of touch in your advancing years.

 

Also, if you don’t buy your wife diamonds you’re just an asshole and she is fully justified in cheating on you with one of her coworkers.

 

Ladies, don’t forget those men in your lives. Get him a new razor with at least four or five blades. Side benefit, he’ll be that much more hairless for you. Cost/benefit to you: $14.99 razor versus your $50,000 car and $1,000 diamonds = priceless. At those rates you may as well get him some cologne too, something you like of course and something that will cover up that “man” smell.

 

Don’t forget the kids now, it is Christmas after all! Scientists have now reported that there is no longer any way for a human being to experience music than with a $400 iPod Touch ™. You’re not going to deprive your children of music are you? Santa and Social Services are watching.

 

Historians recently reported that no one in the history of the world was actually able to accomplish anything other than eating and defecating without a cell phone – and even those activities are now improved due to cell phone technology! Yes, it appears that all pre-cell phone accomplishments that were once believed to have been achieved by great personal and communal efforts were really the work of extra terrestrials with advanced cell phone technology. Experts recommend that you immediately purchase a $600 smart phone for every member of your family (yes, even your 14-month-old who doesn’t talk yet – remember that warning about Social Services you cheapskate) so that they can participate in such scintillating conversations as, “Where you at” and “Hey, what’s goin on wit you? Not much? Yeah, me either.”

 

Did you think we were done talking about gifts for your wife? How expensive do you think a divorce is buddy? Well then listen up. Your wife can no longer be seen in public with a purse – please refer to the president’s signing statement to Senate Bill 1104. Nothing less than a $500 Coach purse (because you can’t believe how expensive all those capital letter Cs are) will be socially acceptable – except for within the contiguous borders of the state of Utah for some reason. Utah…, please.

 

Your loving parents brought you into this world, raised you, and didn’t charge you that much rent after you turned 18, so you’d be a real douche if you didn’t purchase them a flat-screen TV of no less that 42 inches even though its controls will utterly confuse them and it won’t be compatible with their 12-year-old VCR.

 

There is no Christmas without these things. I’m not sure what you’re blathering on about not being able to pay your health insurance premiums, but I can tell you this much, no one can see your health insurance so it’s not important. Everything on the gift list above can be seen by others and that’s what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. Now, go get your gifts and then take a break. We’ll get to your decoration needs shortly.