Diamonds are a Holiday’s Best Friend

With the holidays come decorations, food, parties, and commercials for diamonds. The latest god awful jewelry designs include the multi-stone diamond pendant that symbolizes “how your love has grown” by fitting successively bigger and bigger diamonds. The image of every woman who receives one (and it is always a woman because as we all know by now there is no other gift for a man than a disposable or electric shaver) is that of pure bliss. I suppose that makes sense since diamonds are a girl’s best friend – note that: diamonds are her best friend, not the person who gives the diamonds, but the diamonds themselves.

 

How about a little honesty in marketing. Let’s just assume that jewelry even needs to symbolize something in the first place other than, “Well, this looks expensive enough to keep her quiet for a few months.” If such a thing was to be made and marketed honestly, it would have a wide variety of smaller and larger stones in the real order of one’s waxing and waning love for his carbon-loving partner. In fact some years may have been so horrible as to require the fitting of actual stones, such as the kidney stone you passed after her mother had to move in with you for that literally endless summer.

 

But, as I noted in an earlier entry, you’re apparently just a worthless asshole if you don’t give the missus diamonds for Christmas. . . and Valentines, and Mother’s Day, and Flag Day, etc. So why not just give in and stop complaining? One reason only. Because diamonds have no inherent value whatsoever unless they are fitted to a diamond tipped drill bit or saw blade. They are worthless lumps of nothing that someone somewhere once upon a time decided were “precious.” Oh, and because her friend has a bigger diamond than she does so she needs a new and bigger one to become a better person.

 

May the cynicism of the season be with you always.

Oh Christmas Tree!

There is no smell quite as warming as that of a Christmas tree lot in December. Picking out that perfect tree is a great family treat, or at least it usually starts that way.

 

Everyone piles into the family van and heads to the tree lot. It only takes an hour and a half to get there because apparently millions of people still haven’t heard of the internet and insist of clogging the roads in a vain effort to buy their family’s happiness at some inconvenient mall.

 

At the tree lot everyone runs into the forest to look for the perfect tree. One wants Balsom, one wants Frasier, and one is already covered in pine sap, and you’ve already forgotten if you even brought the dog in the first place. But then the spirit of the season strikes you and you forget all that and put your hand to your heart – because you see that they want $160 for an eight foot tree.

 

That’s when everyone finds the tree that all agree is not perfect but will suffice and you hand your credit card to the lot owner with the sort of shakes that only someone on his second adjustable rate mortgage knows.

 

Now you get to load this sap dripping, needle dropping, tree into the van when it occurs to you that you have one or two more children than you really need. Something has got to give so people end up doubled up on seats and one valiantly volunteers to ride on top of the tree if it will help. It will not.

 

Once you make it back home and set up the tree your Christmas spirit is running on empty. Then, the best idea you’ve had in a long time strikes you. You’ll get your wife to decorate the tree herself and give you a break by giving her her present early, but then you realize that you haven’t gotten her gift yet and spend the next three hours trying to untangle lights and keep the dog from eating the tinsel before surrendering to a liter of eggnog.

 

Oh Christmas tree indeed.

It’s Christmas Time in America

We all love Christmas (unless you’re a humorless non-Christian) but there are many rules that must be adhered to if you want to have a real American Christmas. To start down your path to perfection, you must begin with the gifts. The following is a list of gift essentials. You can purchase other gifts in addition to those listed but these are the must haves for a true American Christmas.

 

If you can’t say to your wife, “Merry Christmas dear, here’s your new luxury car,” then you’re really just a failure as a husband, a provider, and a man for that matter. But you got her a new car last Christmas, you say? New models come out every year fella. They are shinier and they have better navigation systems, greater passenger safety (you don’t want your wife and children to drive around in that year-old death trap, do you?), and voice command entertainment systems. Wow, you’ve really gotten out of touch in your advancing years.

 

Also, if you don’t buy your wife diamonds you’re just an asshole and she is fully justified in cheating on you with one of her coworkers.

 

Ladies, don’t forget those men in your lives. Get him a new razor with at least four or five blades. Side benefit, he’ll be that much more hairless for you. Cost/benefit to you: $14.99 razor versus your $50,000 car and $1,000 diamonds = priceless. At those rates you may as well get him some cologne too, something you like of course and something that will cover up that “man” smell.

 

Don’t forget the kids now, it is Christmas after all! Scientists have now reported that there is no longer any way for a human being to experience music than with a $400 iPod Touch ™. You’re not going to deprive your children of music are you? Santa and Social Services are watching.

 

Historians recently reported that no one in the history of the world was actually able to accomplish anything other than eating and defecating without a cell phone – and even those activities are now improved due to cell phone technology! Yes, it appears that all pre-cell phone accomplishments that were once believed to have been achieved by great personal and communal efforts were really the work of extra terrestrials with advanced cell phone technology. Experts recommend that you immediately purchase a $600 smart phone for every member of your family (yes, even your 14-month-old who doesn’t talk yet – remember that warning about Social Services you cheapskate) so that they can participate in such scintillating conversations as, “Where you at” and “Hey, what’s goin on wit you? Not much? Yeah, me either.”

 

Did you think we were done talking about gifts for your wife? How expensive do you think a divorce is buddy? Well then listen up. Your wife can no longer be seen in public with a purse – please refer to the president’s signing statement to Senate Bill 1104. Nothing less than a $500 Coach purse (because you can’t believe how expensive all those capital letter Cs are) will be socially acceptable – except for within the contiguous borders of the state of Utah for some reason. Utah…, please.

 

Your loving parents brought you into this world, raised you, and didn’t charge you that much rent after you turned 18, so you’d be a real douche if you didn’t purchase them a flat-screen TV of no less that 42 inches even though its controls will utterly confuse them and it won’t be compatible with their 12-year-old VCR.

 

There is no Christmas without these things. I’m not sure what you’re blathering on about not being able to pay your health insurance premiums, but I can tell you this much, no one can see your health insurance so it’s not important. Everything on the gift list above can be seen by others and that’s what the true meaning of Christmas is all about. Now, go get your gifts and then take a break. We’ll get to your decoration needs shortly.