More Noise

I actually used to take the time to think up the stories I would write for this blog, but today I realized that it’s a waste of time when I live in a city that offers up the ridiculous on a daily basis.

Case in point: on my way to work today I found myself behind a woman of exceptional size.  Now, she wasn’t the widest load I’ve ever seen, not by a long shot, but she was definitely someone who had long ago lost her right to wear anything of a spandex nature.  Unfortunately for me, and everyone else with eyes, she failed to get that message.  She was wearing some grass-green spandex pants which made her backside look like the back nine at Augusta.

More to the ridiculous was the statement emblazoned across her backside. The screen printed letters straining in vain to hold together boldly stated,  “Social Climber”.  We’ve all see “Juicy” and “Princess” and all manner of sexual inuendo and misplaced self esteem on pants as these, but “Social Climber”?  Is the concept that her planetoid ass was going to allow her ascent up the social ladder?  I guess it depends what ladder one is attempting to climb.  Perhaps her goal is to reach the lofty heights of top ho in the South East.

We should all have dreams, but I think her first dream should not be social climbing but some stair climbing.

The other day I was coming out of the Metro and found myself laughing out loud because of a metro “security officer.”  I didn’t mean to be mean, but the image this man/boy struck was truly ridiculous.

I don’t know the age limit for security officers, but I suspect this young guy had to lie to get the job.  He didn’t look a day over 14 years old.  To make matters worse, he couldn’t have been more than 90 pounds soaking wet.  The badge pinned to his shirt looked so large compared to his puny chest that you could be forgiven for thinking it was a novelty item.  Not only that, but the badge actually looked like it’s weight could have toppled this diminutive officer to the ground at any moment.  To make things even worse, his duty belt had nothing to hold on to and looked as though it would drag his pants to his ankles the moment he let go of it.

Needless to say, it did not appear that this young man was going to be able to offer anyone - not even himself - an iota of security.  Though the sight of him was good for a laugh, it was no surprise that the malfunctioning Metro system would hire such a figure to attempt to provide security.  Truly, the DC Metro is the poorest run operation I have ever come across and it employs the largest group of incompetent people I never wanted to know.

The recent flooding in the nation’s heartland has decimated this year’s crop of the letter C.  The C shortage has brought the production of Coach handbags and other C branded items to a standstill.  It has also caused the price of the remaining stock of Coach merchandise to skyrocket.

“I was going to buy a Coach coinpurse for $180, but it just went up to $370 so now I’m going to have to sell a lot more blood plasma to get it,” said teenager Gina Valenti.

C farmers are faring much worse.  “There’s just no saving the crop at this point,” said Doug Johnson.  “It’s just too wet to try to replant now and we’d never be able to harvest before the frost comes.”

Young, self conscious, and financially naive women around the world are in a panic due to the C shortage.  “I mean, like, how are people going to know my purse was needlessly expensive if it doesn’t have Cs plastered all over it,” Mary Mancuso opined.

“I guess I’m going to have to step up to a Birkin bag,” said Shelly Anthony.  “Anything I can do for you for, say, fifty bucks?”

Early indications from the Department of Agriculture indicate that the Fs for the Fendi line seem to have come through the flooding mostly intact.

Gucci is still estimating the damage to the G crop before making any changes to their business plan.

I don’t usually get too caught up in appearances.  If you’re eyes, nose and mouth are in the right places that’s pretty good in my book.  If, however, you are going to draw attention to yourself or advertise your appearance, you had better be able to back it up.

Case in point, a young woman got on the train yesterday and I wouldn’t have thought much of anything about her.  But then she turned and the back of her sweatshirt said in big letters, “Perfect 10″.  Now I had to look and see what would possess someone to wear such a monstrosity.  She was clearly obese, not even twice as tall as she was wide.  She stood proudly at 5 foot nothing and sported a mess of hair pulled back into a big nest.

Perfect 10?  This woman was an average 2 at best.  Yet in this world of massively inflated egos and unearned self esteem, she was deluded enough to brand herself a perfect 10.  I suppose it’s this same sense of self worth and a rejection of all reality that keeps Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail.

I’ve noticed an odd occurrence this week.  People tend to avoid you if you smile on the subway.

Generally, when I look as dour as everyone else on the train someone will sit next to me within one or two stops.  It’s a busy train and that’s just the way it goes.  But not this week.

I’ve been having a fairly good week.  Nothing major, just a feeling good, life is cool sort of week.  So while listing to some good music on the subway on my way to work I had a small, content smile on my face.  I promise, it wasn’t one of those maniacal, wide-eyed smiles that really warn you off.  Nevertheless, my warm little smile seemed to have the same affect.

I sat in my seat with a free seat next to me on my entire ride.  This never happens.  Other seats were filled, people were even standing in the aisles, but none would take the free seat next to me.  Yes, I had showered, no offensive cologne, was wearing business clothes, and minding my own business, but no one would take the seat.

I thought, wow, this is great.  I have all this elbow room for my whole ride.  This too kept me smiling for the duration of my ride.  So the only thing that I could figure is that people just don’t trust a guy who’s smiling for no apparent reason.

In the wake of the devastating cyclone in Myanmar, Fema officials felt somewhat vindicated by the abysmal disaster response of the Junta.

“See, we’re not the only ones who take days or weeks to get supplies to storm victims,” Michael Chertoff said.  “This is hard stuff, so I know what Myanmar is going through.”

With death tolls mounting and the Myanmar government stealing aid meant for the people in need, many people at FEMA were feeling pretty good about themselves.  There was a smug sense of “at least we didn’t do that bad with Katrina” around the FEMA offices Monday.

New Orleans resident Claire Green said, “I feel so bad for those people.  There’s still debris in my old neighborhood and my old house is about rotten to the ground, but this trailer isn’t so bad.”  Green then went on to cough for several minutes before having to go outside for some relatively fresh air.

Yangon resident, Ye Aung said, “I’m just glad we have such low expectations in the first place.  That said, you’d think a military government could do better than FEMA did with Katrina.”  Aung then went back to clearing sewage from the remains of his fishing boat.

The International Pimp’s Union came out today to officially endorse Barak Obama.  This move marked another in a series of blows to the Clinton campaign.

The IPU had backed Clinton in the early days of the contest, presumably due to extensive ties with Bill Clinton, however Obama’s consistent wins and his low-key yet big-baller lifestyle eventually won their important endorsement.  IPU executive Ice T said, “We think Obama is the candidate who really has the interests of America’s working men and women at heart, and that means good times for being a pimp.  No more will it be hard out there for a pimp.”

Obama accepted the endorsement at a black-tie Baller’s Convention held at a local Popeye’s.  “It is with great pride and much respect that I accept your endorsement.  This is a time in our country’s history for pimps and hos to come together and build a more freaky union,” Obama said.

Clinton remained unbowed by the news.  “While I’m saddened to lose the endorsement of the IPU, I still have strong support from the International Hos Cooperative.  If their pimps let them vote, I think you’ll see that October surprise I’ve been talking about,” the pointlessly-still-in-the-race candidate said.

Interestingly, the IPU had previously backed McCain when he first ran for office in 1893, but there has been bad blood between them ever since the petticoat incident of 1902.  McCain responded to the IPU’s recent announcement by saying, “This pudding skin is too thick.  How am I supposed to eat this?”

Hillary Clinton announced that even though it is mathematically and realistically impossible for her to win the Democratic nomination, she is determined to continue on to the White House.  She has every right to do so.  She can get in line and buy a ticket to take a tour just like everyone else.  That’s the sort of thing this country was made of.

Unbowed by reality just like our current president, Hillary remains steadfast to the voices in her head.  “They just keep telling me to stay in the race, and I have to follow their lead,” she said.

“With a win in West Virginia, also known as the pulse of America, we’ll be right back on track,”  Clinton’s top campaign adviser said.  “These are very exciting times for the campaign.  By the way, are you accepting resumes at the moment.”

Obama said he appreciates the competition from Clinton.  “With her still in the race, at least I’ll have someone to run against,” he said.  When asked about John McCain, Obama, like most of the press corps, had to be reminded that McCain was the Republican nominee he would be running against in November.  “Oh yeah, him.  Is he still around?  I thought after his pastor said that Katrina was divine retribution for wickedness in America that he’d have his hands full.”

When John McCain was reached for comment he said, “Nurse, my soup is too hot.”

Hillary just can’t help herself.  She herself has said she says “millions of words a day” which apparently means that she shouldn’t be held accountable for the veracity of all those words.  I guess we’re left to ourselves to decide which words are true and which outright lies.

For Hillary’s major international experience she keeps harping on a trip she made to Bosnia when her husband was president.  First off, how important could the trip have been if you took Sinbad with you?  Nothing against Sinbad, but seriously, what is a comedian who was in “A Different World” and a first lady going to bring to the table in terms of foreign policy?  She can explain how she picked out White House china patterns, and he can ply them with family-friendly humor; yup, that trip single-handedly stopped the civil war.

The worst part is that after saying she landed with the plane taking evasive action and coming in under sniper fire and then running to their cars, only to have her statement questioned with the fact that none of this really happened, she reiterated that her original statement was correct!  It was only after Sinbad confirmed that the only thing he was worried about on the trip was where to eat next, and that footage of everyone taking their time getting off the plane and meeting with children on the tarmac, that she said she “made a mistake.”

A mistake? So if I told you I remember getting a Cadillac for Christmas, but what I really got was a sweater, I guess I can chalk that up as a mistake.  I bet former Governor Spitzer is kicking himself for not saying that he mistakenly slept with a prostitute because he thought she was his wife.

So this new ridiculous lie comes on the heels of her other outright lie that she was always a critic of NAFTA when she in fact actively lobbied to get it passed.

If elected, I guess she’ll be the perfect person to carry on the legacy of lies the Bush administration gave us.

I usually just make up a bunch of garbage for this site, but this story surprised me enough to repeat. The following is a brief summary from an article published in the March 20th edition of The Nation.

On the campaign trail, Hillary has repeatedly said that she was a critic of NAFTA from the start. Now, based on records recently released from when Bill was president, it’s clear that not only did Hillary support NAFTA but she actively lobbied members of Congress to pass it. That, my friends, is not a misunderstanding; it’s an outright lie. It will be interesting to see how this revelation plays in Pennsylvania.